I Still Care For You

When I can wade through all this shit, all the heavy stormy waves of the seas of love/betrayal/lies...when I come up for air, of course I am gasping, my lungs full of flooding waters...

I feel shame and embarrassment that I find, even now after the years of hard times, and growing apart that...I STILL care for you. In your best moments, even now, even after all the hurt you have compounded upon this little beating heart of mine. I STILL care for you?

How? Why? What's the point?

I am full aware that I am not innocent in this. Yes, I am guilty too.

I pushed, I pushed, I pushed and you walked away. Though not a clean, clear and steady walk. No, it was more like a plunderous plank walk right into another shit storm, with waves full of hot frothy foam, and tangy sweetness between an others' labial lips.

Oh how aware I am of the complexities that sum up this human that I seem to be.

Complex, stubborn, HOT HEADED, bitchy, crabby, BUT also SO FULL of LOVE, devotion, compassion, empathy and understanding. Never ever has my heart lead me off a plank to betrayal of a loved one's heart. Never have I wished upon anyone in my loving care the hurt that follows in that wake. 

I am not a cheater, nor a liar. No, even in the darkest hours of what was, I held steadfast to my devotion, to promises made. No matter the intimacy status, as nil as it had leveled to be, I held true to the words spoken years before.

I have always been on the receiving end of that fools tale. Still, I come back to the thoughts, the knowing...that I indeed pushed, and as I did I pulled away, to protect myself?

Here I am, the fool, the loser, the lost.

It's a doleful tale, been spoken before, and here it is again.
It won't be the last time.

I walked away, you walked away.
I thought I went away...I was wrong.
You really went away...
And that is the hardest truth.

Wild Wolf Woman

I think it's a cultural disease.

We have all lost our way out there in the big wide world.
We have lost touch with our animal selves, leaving our instincts behind losing them to the fleeting winds and highest heights of the tallest elevations that we forget to climb.

I know that I have lost my way, lost my path as a wild wolf woman...(this reference is coming from a very delicious book that I have just begun reading - Women Who Run With The Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés).

I can feel the deep ancient connection to that wolf woman within, I feel her writhing within this modern body everyday, but today she isn't just writhing and stirring she is beginning to HOWL and SCREAM. 

Finding this path seemingly alone now, she is awakened, guiding me to learn to trust what my bones already know. The cliff that I have fallen from did not break me, I have seen darker caves than this. My heart is strong, it just has to be re-tuned.

Begin The Ending

This is where I am at, this is where I have been. I am broken open and my heart is leaking love.

Recent days feel and resemble a constantly repeating dream. This dream, violent at times thrashes my heart upon cold hard cement slabs, twisting and squeezing and wringing it so fucking tight that at times I feel it might stop.

I am living a dream sequence, a surreal space where I am constantly hovering over my marriage and it's suffrage. For many reason's (that I am not going to list right now) the last 6 years have left me feeling like a castaway on a sea of uncertain. We have/had been through more than many do in a lifetime.

Last year, after the birth of our youngest son, the truth of our struggles came pouring forth and we both could not contain our anger towards the other. This incredible time with our new child, should have been full of love and calm, but there was stress and tension building, and I could feel myself beginning down a spiral...I was scared, but I knew I was headed towards a cliff. All the outside noise and even the quiet noise (from within my husband) was eating away at me as I tried to keep it together, I had to try for my older son to keep my composure, to not "lose it" in front of him, and for the baby....for whom I just wanted to snuggle and smile and nurse.

I was fragile. I needed to be nurtured. 

I was offered drugs. Declined them.

I was offered a social worker. I accepted. 

I wanted to wrap myself in a bubble.


I have been trying so damn hard to move on since learning of my husband's affair with a woman that I know, a person who is interconnected into his web friends.