Jan 21, 2013

Begin The Ending

This is where I am at, this is where I have been. I am broken open and my heart is leaking love.

Recent days feel and resemble a constantly repeating dream. This dream, violent at times thrashes my heart upon cold hard cement slabs, twisting and squeezing and wringing it so fucking tight that at times I feel it might stop.

I am living a dream sequence, a surreal space where I am constantly hovering over my marriage and it's suffrage. For many reason's (that I am not going to list right now) the last 6 years have left me feeling like a castaway on a sea of uncertain. We have/had been through more than many do in a lifetime.

Last year, after the birth of our youngest son, the truth of our struggles came pouring forth and we both could not contain our anger towards the other. This incredible time with our new child, should have been full of love and calm, but there was stress and tension building, and I could feel myself beginning down a spiral...I was scared, but I knew I was headed towards a cliff. All the outside noise and even the quiet noise (from within my husband) was eating away at me as I tried to keep it together, I had to try for my older son to keep my composure, to not "lose it" in front of him, and for the baby....for whom I just wanted to snuggle and smile and nurse.

I was fragile. I needed to be nurtured. 

I was offered drugs. Declined them.

I was offered a social worker. I accepted. 

I wanted to wrap myself in a bubble.

I have been trying so damn hard to move on since learning of my husband's affair with a woman that I know, a person who is interconnected into his web friends.

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