Feb 23, 2013

Wild Wolf Woman

I think it's a cultural disease.

We have all lost our way out there in the big wide world.
We have lost touch with our animal selves, leaving our instincts behind losing them to the fleeting winds and highest heights of the tallest elevations that we forget to climb.

I know that I have lost my way, lost my path as a wild wolf woman...(this reference is coming from a very delicious book that I have just begun reading - Women Who Run With The Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Est├ęs).

I can feel the deep ancient connection to that wolf woman within, I feel her writhing within this modern body everyday, but today she isn't just writhing and stirring she is beginning to HOWL and SCREAM. 

Finding this path seemingly alone now, she is awakened, guiding me to learn to trust what my bones already know. The cliff that I have fallen from did not break me, I have seen darker caves than this. My heart is strong, it just has to be re-tuned.

Feb 8, 2013

A New Independent Life...

I cannot even begin to comprehend what this means for me. Where does one even find the time or the energy to put one foot in front of the other to pull such a thing to fruition? And with children?

It's so confusing, navigating the path when everyday one's emotions are turning this way and that. I cannot even keep up with the sudden fluctuations of my san(insan)ity. One moment I am in the presence of my ex(?), and he is showing such kindness that it pulls me right into those feelings again...the lost love, the longing...the missing of the smell that resides right there in the space between his neck and his shoulder blade. Some days, when he is here with our children I catch little fragrances of him and it melts me, just a little.

Falling away from what was once such a strong, solid foundation is leaving me with not much more than jaded memories.

Lately, I find myself wanting to warn people of what could befall their marriage if they make the same mistakes, not tending to the relationship that they know NOW.

We are both such strong people, perhaps a bit too strong for "our" own good together. So strong, that we forgot to really pay attention to what we both needed as individuals in the relationship together. I admit, wholly admit that I began retracting myself after my needs were not being tended too. I became distracted and un-attracted to the one person whom I love(d) the most.

Then, when help came to us, help to sort things out, to look at things from a different perspective we became too strong again, and together made a most terrible decision, one that was supposed to help us to have both of our needs met. As it turned out, one of us got their needs met while the other tended to the children and the house. Tragic, devastating consequences ensued and the ramifications of the shock wave are still being felt.

This is not what I wanted to feel, and I don't think that I much care for this "New Independent Life". Besides, it's not fully realized, and I cannot wrap my head around how it could ever be possible for me at this point.

Today my truth is this. I miss my parter, my husband. Even with his betrayal, I miss him and today I am feeling love for him (and this has been creeping up on me more and more often). Even though he has told me his feelings have changed, my heart still cares, still holds a place for his.

Feb 7, 2013

Compassion You Can Be Proud Of.

For a long time after my daughter died, I used to ponder the deepest meanings of death. I went to very dark places within my being, and asked questions that under different circumstances (like having a living newborn baby, and not a dead one), I would not be entertaining.

In these times of my darkness, underneath the cloak of grief I began accepting the ease of death. A certain kind of awareness began to rise up in me as the weeks since her death passed me by, and I began to notice in detail the way that people around me moved about the world, totally benign to death, ignorant, blissfully unaware of the fine line they walked in every moment.

I became un-afraid of death, and dying.

Not to turn morbid or dark, but, I am going lead you in that direction...

So much of my time in the last 4 years has been spent joyfully and lovingly doting on my children, who I love with all my being, so much so that it aches me (and more recently, literally aches my back!), and I would NEVER have it any other way. My children, they are my world. I do get lost in all that they are, their thoughts, feelings...creativity, imagination, just ALL of it.

Where I am going with this is here, where I have been, I have been a loss mama. I have been a witness to the death of my own child. I have felt what it is to be devoured by grief, for months, under a dark cloak that with time lifts to let in patches and rays of light.

19 months later, I was a witness to a miracle. To the birth of a living child that changed me in ways that I still cannot comprehend.

In these last nearly 6 years, there has been so much sorrow, pain and yet, joy, happiness, healing and inspiration and back again. Tonight, I find my thoughts in a contemplative place considering what it means to be here, 34 years behind me. A mama, a separated spouse, and if my time came tomorrow what would it mean for my children? This rather scares me because I DO NOT want my children's grandparents having more of a say in my children's lives than they already have. However, without me to care for these incredible little humans nearly FT, who would step up?

These questions are visiting me after news of a high school friends death came out yesterday. She was vibrant, joyful 34 yr old woman, she too had 2 small children and was a very loving and devoted mama.

Could have been me, or you, or anyone.

So, while I am STILL here it's paramount to make the best of all these earthly moments. Become a beacon for compassion, share compassion and feel compassion, feel joy and bring joy to others, share love, feel love, smile, giggle, LAUGH. Notice one's own honesty of what is truly important.

PLEASE live you life with a compassion you can be proud of.