Mar 28, 2013

I Still Care For You

When I can wade through all this shit, all the heavy stormy waves of the seas of love/betrayal/lies...when I come up for air, of course I am gasping, my lungs full of flooding waters...

I feel shame and embarrassment that I find, even now after the years of hard times, and growing apart that...I STILL care for you. In your best moments, even now, even after all the hurt you have compounded upon this little beating heart of mine. I STILL care for you?

How? Why? What's the point?

I am full aware that I am not innocent in this. Yes, I am guilty too.

I pushed, I pushed, I pushed and you walked away. Though not a clean, clear and steady walk. No, it was more like a plunderous plank walk right into another shit storm, with waves full of hot frothy foam, and tangy sweetness between an others' labial lips.

Oh how aware I am of the complexities that sum up this human that I seem to be.

Complex, stubborn, HOT HEADED, bitchy, crabby, BUT also SO FULL of LOVE, devotion, compassion, empathy and understanding. Never ever has my heart lead me off a plank to betrayal of a loved one's heart. Never have I wished upon anyone in my loving care the hurt that follows in that wake. 

I am not a cheater, nor a liar. No, even in the darkest hours of what was, I held steadfast to my devotion, to promises made. No matter the intimacy status, as nil as it had leveled to be, I held true to the words spoken years before.

I have always been on the receiving end of that fools tale. Still, I come back to the thoughts, the knowing...that I indeed pushed, and as I did I pulled away, to protect myself?

Here I am, the fool, the loser, the lost.

It's a doleful tale, been spoken before, and here it is again.
It won't be the last time.

I walked away, you walked away.
I thought I went away...I was wrong.
You really went away...
And that is the hardest truth.


Mar 18, 2013

Wasteland

(warning - this is incredibly free form)

I'm spinning.

I'm lost.

I might not be as strong as I appear.

Just when all seems well, things are moving forward, it all gets SLAMMED back into my face.
When I think that the lies and the betrayal have ceased, the floor caves in again and there I go getting sucked in and thrashed about.

What the hell happened to you? When did you lose your integrity, my so called best friend of the last how many years? This is more than a betrayal. The level of lying has reached a height that I have never witnessed in my lifetime. Holy fucking shit! What do I do with this gigantic pile of shit that once was a friendship/relationship/marriage?

I cannot even consider you my friend in the wake of the events of the last year (but the buddhist in me wants to just say, it is what it is, and move on). Then there I am, only human, hanging onto the hurt.

You can't answer purely can you? WHY?

Go ahead, you know you want to be with her. SO JUST FUCKING GO.



So thankful for these babies that I can hold close, smell and lose myself in.

Mar 2, 2013

Honest, Raw Vulnerability

We all need this. Please just be true to us all. Do not hide behind a wall. You are just as vulnerable as I.

Know your most raw and beautiful self. Speak your mind, because, why not? And who gives a fuck! Seriously. I see it every damn day, everyday folk, going through the motions of life (or not really) and it feels/looks like they are moving through quicksand, but in slow motion.

I am stuck analyzing. Observing. It's one of my many quirks, but it's a part of who I am so I do not excuse it, no I do not excuse myself. I'm a patient observant people watcher and I have been "watching" for a very long time. This goes deep, back to when I was a wee once simply content to watch out the car window, and that was all I wanted to do.

The consensus as of late is this: On the whole we tend to generally not be a very kind species to one an other. We move way to fucking fast through our microseconds/seconds/minutes/hours of life. We don't really seem to appreciate all that surrounds us everyday. Miracles. Life. Each and every person we encounter, a beating heart. Yes, you see the shell that surrounds that miracle of a person, but stop, and observe more slowly and notice, and think.

Stop avoiding. Pursue. Say hello to people you see everyday as you go about your routine. Why not? Why is this so hard? Hold the door for everyone you can! Smile at people! Stop looking at the ground as you walk your path, there are so many faces to see, so many beautiful eye colors and gorgeous shades of skin to gaze upon with a loving heart and a wide smile.

We are NOT to good for each other. No. We are here, on this earth, living our earthly lives together. We are blessed with this gift, to learn and grow from one another. I have made the statement before, that if I see you on the street, I will take the time to say hello, and I will.

Even on my darkest days, I will try so hard to walk with my head up, I will try to meet your gaze and smile. For in that next second after the smile...could be the last beat of this walking miracle's strong and love full heart.