For a long time after my daughter died, I used to ponder the deepest meanings of death. I went to very dark places within my being, and asked questions that under different circumstances (like having a living newborn baby, and not a dead one), I would not be entertaining.
In these times of my darkness, underneath the cloak of grief I began accepting the ease of death. A certain kind of awareness began to rise up in me as the weeks since her death passed me by, and I began to notice in detail the way that people around me moved about the world, totally benign to death, ignorant, blissfully unaware of the fine line they walked in every moment.
I became un-afraid of death, and dying.
Not to turn morbid or dark, but, I am going lead you in that direction...
So much of my time in the last 4 years has been spent joyfully and lovingly doting on my children, who I love with all my being, so much so that it aches me (and more recently, literally aches my back!), and I would NEVER have it any other way. My children, they are my world. I do get lost in all that they are, their thoughts, feelings...creativity, imagination, just ALL of it.
Where I am going with this is here, where I have been, I have been a loss mama. I have been a witness to the death of my own child. I have felt what it is to be devoured by grief, for months, under a dark cloak that with time lifts to let in patches and rays of light.
19 months later, I was a witness to a miracle. To the birth of a living child that changed me in ways that I still cannot comprehend.
In these last nearly 6 years, there has been so much sorrow, pain and yet, joy, happiness, healing and inspiration and back again. Tonight, I find my thoughts in a contemplative place considering what it means to be here, 34 years behind me. A mama, a separated spouse, and if my time came tomorrow what would it mean for my children? This rather scares me because I DO NOT want my children's grandparents having more of a say in my children's lives than they already have. However, without me to care for these incredible little humans nearly FT, who would step up?
These questions are visiting me after news of a high school friends death came out yesterday. She was vibrant, joyful 34 yr old woman, she too had 2 small children and was a very loving and devoted mama.
Could have been me, or you, or anyone.
So, while I am STILL here it's paramount to make the best of all these earthly moments. Become a beacon for compassion, share compassion and feel compassion, feel joy and bring joy to others, share love, feel love, smile, giggle, LAUGH. Notice one's own honesty of what is truly important.
PLEASE live you life with a compassion you can be proud of.