Feb 8, 2013

A New Independent Life...

I cannot even begin to comprehend what this means for me. Where does one even find the time or the energy to put one foot in front of the other to pull such a thing to fruition? And with children?

It's so confusing, navigating the path when everyday one's emotions are turning this way and that. I cannot even keep up with the sudden fluctuations of my san(insan)ity. One moment I am in the presence of my ex(?), and he is showing such kindness that it pulls me right into those feelings again...the lost love, the longing...the missing of the smell that resides right there in the space between his neck and his shoulder blade. Some days, when he is here with our children I catch little fragrances of him and it melts me, just a little.

Falling away from what was once such a strong, solid foundation is leaving me with not much more than jaded memories.

Lately, I find myself wanting to warn people of what could befall their marriage if they make the same mistakes, not tending to the relationship that they know NOW.

We are both such strong people, perhaps a bit too strong for "our" own good together. So strong, that we forgot to really pay attention to what we both needed as individuals in the relationship together. I admit, wholly admit that I began retracting myself after my needs were not being tended too. I became distracted and un-attracted to the one person whom I love(d) the most.

Then, when help came to us, help to sort things out, to look at things from a different perspective we became too strong again, and together made a most terrible decision, one that was supposed to help us to have both of our needs met. As it turned out, one of us got their needs met while the other tended to the children and the house. Tragic, devastating consequences ensued and the ramifications of the shock wave are still being felt.

This is not what I wanted to feel, and I don't think that I much care for this "New Independent Life". Besides, it's not fully realized, and I cannot wrap my head around how it could ever be possible for me at this point.

Today my truth is this. I miss my parter, my husband. Even with his betrayal, I miss him and today I am feeling love for him (and this has been creeping up on me more and more often). Even though he has told me his feelings have changed, my heart still cares, still holds a place for his.

1 comment:

Sammy said...

I just randomly clicked on your old blog and found this new blog. I'm happy to see more of your writing, but so sorry and sad to read of your current challenges. I

Of the people I know who are no longer married, when they first separated they couldn't imagine a future. And then slowly, their lives opened up in ways they couldn't possibly have predicted. And their lives became better.

Hang in there. Sending you peace and strength. You can get through this.