When I can wade through all this shit, all the heavy stormy waves of the seas of love/betrayal/lies...when I come up for air, of course I am gasping, my lungs full of flooding waters...
I feel shame and embarrassment that I find, even now after the years of hard times, and growing apart that...I STILL care for you. In your best moments, even now, even after all the hurt you have compounded upon this little beating heart of mine. I STILL care for you?
How? Why? What's the point?
I am full aware that I am not innocent in this. Yes, I am guilty too.
I pushed, I pushed, I pushed and you walked away. Though not a clean, clear and steady walk. No, it was more like a plunderous plank walk right into another shit storm, with waves full of hot frothy foam, and tangy sweetness between an others' labial lips.
Oh how aware I am of the complexities that sum up this human that I seem to be.
Complex, stubborn, HOT HEADED, bitchy, crabby, BUT also SO FULL of LOVE, devotion, compassion, empathy and understanding. Never ever has my heart lead me off a plank to betrayal of a loved one's heart. Never have I wished upon anyone in my loving care the hurt that follows in that wake.
I am not a cheater, nor a liar. No, even in the darkest hours of what was, I held steadfast to my devotion, to promises made. No matter the intimacy status, as nil as it had leveled to be, I held true to the words spoken years before.
I have always been on the receiving end of that fools tale. Still, I come back to the thoughts, the knowing...that I indeed pushed, and as I did I pulled away, to protect myself?
Here I am, the fool, the loser, the lost.
It's a doleful tale, been spoken before, and here it is again.
It won't be the last time.
I walked away, you walked away.
I thought I went away...I was wrong.
You really went away...
And that is the hardest truth.